I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
