Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
