Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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