don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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