Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Randomize
