Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I think your dad took our porno
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
