Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
