Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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