I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
