I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
