I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
dude. I can hear the air.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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