my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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