after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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