thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
