White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
