i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
