My sheets look like a crime scene.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
