the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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