I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
