I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
