I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
