I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
