I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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