Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
