my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
