he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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