FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
