I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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