Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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