a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
