Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
