YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
