A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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