i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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