The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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