well I can't set my house on fire every night
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Randomize
