Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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