Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I think i got beer on your cat.
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