I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
