Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
