My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
