someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
