Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I love you. Go after that dick
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
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