Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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