Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
