I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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