i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
