New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
