I think i sorta joined a cult last night
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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