My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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